so i'm doing all of ya'll a huge favor by letting you in on these important chuck norris facts.
if you still don't know who Chuck Norris is after this, i'm won't be responsible for whatever happens to you!
* There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of species that Chuck Norris has allowed to survive.
* Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.
* As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the wheelchair.
* Chuck Norris once looked at a black hole, which caused it to turn into a white dwarf from pure terror.
* The Earth's rotation was an equal-but-opposite reaction to Chuck Norris's first kick.
* Chuck Norris drinks a gallon of milk and eats a teaspoon of cinnamon and 50 eggs everyday, just for fun.
* Chuck Norris is more certain than death or taxes.
* Texas is called "The Lone Star State" because Texans know that compared to Chuck Norris, their other celebrities just don't measure up.
* Chuck Norris is the "I" in "team."
* Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
* When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame.
* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
* Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
* When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
* If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
* Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
* Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
* Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
* Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
* Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night.
* Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
* When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
* When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
* Chuck Norris is the only one who can defeat Chuck Norris - he can run around the world and roundhouse kick himself in the head.
* Chuck Norris' hand can beat a Royal Flush.
* Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
* Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
* Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
* Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
* Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
* Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
* The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
* Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
* In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease".
* Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
* When an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
* Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
* Chuck Norris' infamous roundhouse kick is our first and only line of defense vs. an asteroid impact on earth.
* Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
* Chuck Norris can win Scrabble even when the only letters he has left are Q, X and Z.
* Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
* There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
* On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000.
* Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
* Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
* With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
* "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
* Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
* TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
* In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
* Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
* Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
* Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
* Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Disclaimer
Taken from various sources on the internet - original authors unknown.
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